I’ve battled long enough….

I’m terrible at updating this blog. But that’s because I’m usually busy doing something else to keep my mind from wandering. But mainly it’s because I don’t really have much to talk about, well stuff I feel like talking about.

I bottle things up and I shouldn’t because it causes me so much pain, but I supress it and suppress it. Unfortunately, though it’s bubbled over and has reached its limit to the point that I can no longer cope with it, and this will be the most difficult thing I’ve ever written.

I have depression.

I was officially diagnosed last Monday after talking to the doctor. On top of that, I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety too. I’ve been prescribed Sertraline to help with this along with plenty of therapy sessions so that I can talk about things. The side affects aren’t too bad, but my appetite isn’t the same. I’m just don’t feel like eating. And those who know me, know that isn’t like me at all.

The hardest part of getting the diagnosis of depression is admitting that something is wrong and talking to someone about it, so they can help.  I don’t like talking about things because I don’t like to be a burden on my friends, but then I’m a hypocrite because I always encourage my friends to talk to me when they feel like something is bothering them. I was told by a close friend that my biggest problem is that I’m too selfless and never think about myself. Maybe I don’t, maybe I try too hard to fit in and try to hard to impress people. I don’t know, either way something is seriously wrong with me and it needs fixing.

I knew something wasn’t right when I didn’t get an interview for a job I applied for. It really bugged me but bugged me in a way that I’d never really experienced. I felt that I wasn’t good enough and that I must have said or done something wrong within my application or written something wrong in my CV that set alarm bells off.  But the alarm bells started ringing for me then, but it was already too late.

The second thing that basically sealed the deal for me was that I ruined something truly beautiful and destroyed the friendship in the process. Since I started streaming games on Twitch, I’ve met some truly remarkable and awesome people, one of which gave me hope in ways I couldn’t handle. After a lot of talking and sharing of interests, we both agreed that something there was starting to grow between us, we became friends very quickly and things grew further. I know now I shouldn’t have been anywhere near it because I am just not ready to explore that kind of emotion, not in this current state of mind. But I dove in head first and clung to the shining light of hope and happiness that she made me feel. The problem is I clung to it so hard that I feared letting it go and that’s just not how it’s meant to work.

As time passed I became paranoid and anxious about the whole situation, I was trying to cement things and push it to limits that the relationship wasn’t ready for. My insecurities got the better of me and my fear of letting go took over and I did things that I’m not proud of to fit in and to get her to think I was a good person.  Ultimately, it all came crashing down because I couldn’t handle it, it all became overwhelming and I tried to be someone I wasn’t, I ended up just becoming creepy and weird and not standing for anything I believed in. I failed myself and her. And because of that, I’ve ruined a beautiful friendship and it’s all my fault.

I don’t want sympathy. I want support. I can’t let that happen again. I don’t want to continuously destroy things that I touch because I can’t handle my own feelings or my own self. I’m broken, battered and bruised.  I need to learn to love myself and stand on my own two feet.

Hopefully I’m now going to get the help I desperately need. It’s going to be a long journey, but I hope I come out of the other side a better and complete person.

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Posted by on June 21, 2018 in mental health, Writing


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…Authors, write about what you feel…

Re-blogged from Seumas Gallacher!

Seumas Gallacher

…when Master Gallacher first tumbled into this scribbling thing-y in a more serious vein, there was so much ‘new-stuff-to-learn’… whether it be in the self-publishing idiom, or as a ‘housed’ author… it has been all of ten years since the first paragraph of THE VIOLIN MAN’S LEGACY crept into life… and things have never been the same since… I’ve discovered, at least for this ol’ Jurassic Scot, the ‘learning’never stops… basic tenets were thrown my way at the start… cool buzz-phrases, like ‘find yer Author’s’ Voice’… and ‘character arcs’, ‘plot development’, ‘pace’, ‘build the platform’ (i.e. ‘generate a readership following’)… other neat novelties were discoveries about cover-artwork, editing, proofreading, ‘weasel words’ (the nonsense that keeps repeating in the novice writing, such as the overuse of ‘that’,’very’, and ‘so’… wasteful proliferation of adverbs, (the newish writer’s crutch)… ‘padding out’ passages…

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Posted by on October 6, 2017 in Uncategorized


…Listening to Ladies Who Lunch, Loudly and Long…

Seumas Gallacher

…this ol’ Jurassic Scots scribbler is normally impervious to extraneous noise… utter silence is not welcome when I write or indulge my SOSYAL NETWURK stuff on the laptop… at home, background bruit is usually provided by SKYNews, which is so bad, its often good, if yeez know what I mean… I can sit in any people-packed clone of the Starbucks chain, with multiple conversations humming away around me, happily tapping away on the Mac… on long train journeys, constant, ambient noise is never a distraction to me… what a shock to my aural system it was then today, when I visited a Japanese restaurant for a late lunch… it was almost last orders when I sat in my booth… no compooooter with me, just fiddling with messages on the Samsung thing-y… the only other diners at that hour were a group of expatriate ladies of middling age, crammed into…

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Posted by on September 28, 2017 in Uncategorized


Blogging really isn’t my thing is it?

Five months have passed since I last wrote a blog here. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to, its more of a case I’ve forgotten that it’s here. Oops.  Though in the grand scheme of things, I don’t really know what to write about, as book progress is pretty much as it has been for the past year. I’m still editing. Sorry.

Though the good news is that  I should be on the final straight now, the last time I spoke with my editor, she had stated that it had come a long way and that we were now just polishing.  You’ll also be pleased to know that since the last blog post, the rear cover art has also been finished.

Here they are, front and rear covers, sat side by side! Both were drawn and coloured by Manga artist Sonia Leong, you can find more of her awesome work at

Once the editing is finished, the covers will have the title and blurb added to make it look more like a book cover! Huzzah.

“What else is new, Allan?” I hear you cry? Well, last blog I mentioned that I was doing some voice over training as I wanted to use my luscious voice to grace your ears.  I’ve done a few show reels and I’ve also created a basic website to get me going. If you fancy a listen, head over to and you can decide for yourself if you think hiring me is a good idea. (it is!)

Further to the above, I’ve also gotten into the swing of learning Japanese again, it’s a language I want to become fluent in as I just love the culture of the country. It’s a destination I’ve yet to visit though. Hopefully in October 2018. Hopefully…

As I keep saying, I’ll try to make this a regular thing. I’ll pop a reminder in my calendar to do some weekly, blog posts. We’ll see. I just don’t want to end up writing the same thing all the time. Perhaps next week brings some exciting news.

Until then…


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Posted by on September 28, 2017 in author, Writing


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Cover reveal and something a little different…

Jesus, I’m terrible at this. November 2016 was my last blog post? Oops! But well I’ve been busy, what with the lack of motivation and other things…

But here we are! It’s spring 2017 and I have some exciting news – the cover art is done! Well the front anyway! =D

LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL THING! LOOK. AT. IT!  It was drawn by UK based Manga artist, Sonia Leong! You can find more of her amazing work here – or if you’re more social media minded, you can find her on Twitter and Facebook respectively.  The wording of the cover is being done by a chap called Ken Dawson of Phoenix Designs.  The rear cover is also being designed by Sonia and should be with us very soon! I can’t wait to see it!

As for the book itself, the editing is coming along nicely, I’m aiming to have the next set done by the end of this week. That will then mean another step closer.  I will apologise for taking an absolute age to get this done, but it’s not been an easy task. For those who have read the original publication, this time around, it’s a little different. Some things have fundamentally changed, but the premise is the same. But you have to understand when you change something so small in once place, it changes a lot of things elsewhere in the story, so you have to ensure it all ties up together.  It WILL be a better book for it, but you can’t rush perfection, or even me it seems!

Now, moving onto the “something a little different” part.  I’ve begun visiting two new ways of furthering myself as a creative individual. Firstly, I’ve begun a proof reading and editing course, run by Chapter House.  This will hopefully allow me to become a better writer and help me self edit my work a lot better than I currently have done previously.

Secondly, now this may surprise some, I’ve decided to get back into the world of voice overs and voice acting! Seven years ago, I took a masterclass course with Gary Terzza (if you’ve ever watched Channel 4 at length, you’ve heard his voice). This allowed me to do some of my own voice over work and try and make a career out of it.  It did land a few paid jobs, but unfortunately the relationship I was in at the time broke down and I had to move back home with the parents, it was only meant to be a short term thing. But fast forward seven years, I’m still there and my voice over work suffered for it. But I digress, in October 2016 at BristolCon, I met Diana Croft, a voice over artist who’s narrating some of my publisher’s audio books. We spoke very briefly, about VO and my work in the past and she encouraged me to join a programme called “Gravy for the Brain“, a voice over community run by Peter Dickson and Hugh Edwards. Now if you’ve ever watched X-Factor, you’ll know who Peter Dickson is. Maybe i’ll just type. “RHYYYDDDIIIAAAANN” and you’ll get it. The course is an absolute gold mine of information, I’ve learnt more in a week looking through this course than I ever did through a workshop.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking the workshop, but I only had a few limited hours. Here, I’m getting everything I need! Thanks for the recommendation Di!

There we have it, Allan’s trying to make something of himself once more, let’s just hope that my parents can put up with me screaming into a microphone on a professional level, after all, they’ve done it during raid nights on Final Fantasy 14…..


Until Next time.



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Posted by on April 3, 2017 in author, Writing


Digging deep and finding nothing…

Where do you find motivation? I think I’ve lost mine, though I’m not entirely sure what I did with it in the first place.  I could have left it somewhere and I can only assume it was snatched by some young ruffian looking to exchange it for recreational drugs.

I wish it was something you could get at Argos. Float into your local store and speed flick through the catalogue with a poised finger, ready to prod the correct image and jot down the six-figure (or is it seven?) number that grants you permission to go to collection point A, where none other than ‘Saturday only shift’ Sasha grunts your order number at you and thrusts the item in your hands, informing you to have a nice day while sniffing up snot in her nose because she can’t be arsed to blow it with a tissue.  On second thoughts, maybe I don’t want to get it from Argos…

But therein lies the problem, I’m demotivated and uninterested in anything at the moment, so how do you get around this?

If I’m honest, I’m the lowest I have been for a long time. I’m uninterested in everything I’ve tried to do and the other night I even considered emailing my publisher and telling them to tear up my publishing contract with them because I had no desire to continue working.  Yes, even writing and prepping for my book’s release isn’t doing anything for me.

I have come to the conclusion that my career at my current job is pretty much over. The thought of getting up day after day and going into the office fills me with dread I’ve never even fathomed. I actually hate it,  truly hate it. Today I was so unfocused that I made several silly mistakes that could have proved quite costly -literally!

I’m sorry for all the negativity, but I find it hard to talk about it personally, so venting to the internet where I know no one will want to read this will help to an extent. But I know there is a lot of rebuilding to do, especially within my own life.  Career first, book second.

As yes, the book – that’s kinda in limbo at the moment.  The manuscript is still being checked over by my editor and the cover is still going through a WIP, so there isn’t really much I can talk about there – sorry!  Anything newsworthy I will pass on, but currently, I want you to be excited, not bored of the content I’m giving you. Please bear with me.

Its release is still scheduled for next year, I’m not sure when, though I am hoping to guest at Swindon Comic Con in 2017, maybe I’ll decide to launch it then.

But that all depends on where I can get some motivation. I wonder what time Argos shuts….

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Posted by on November 15, 2016 in Uncategorized


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A small update….

Yes I know it’s been over two months since my last update, but hey I’m getting better!  I have been extremely busy editing, and i’m almost there!  A few more chapters and some final tweaks and it’ll go back to my editor for further slaughter.  I’m hoping it’s come a long way from where it was otherwise this could be an extremely tiresome and frustrating process.

The cover art is being conjured as we speak. I say conjured because the artist that I’ve been so lucky to work with is obviously a magician and makes all sorts of beautiful art.  I’ll able to tell  you who it is soon, but there was a massive hint on my author page on facebook here.  Though you’ll have to be following me to see it, obviously.

I hope to have the edits done by no later the end of September, then we can get it sent to print. However, I’m going to be honest and say that we’ll be lucky to see it this side of Christmas, it may be a 2017 release yet. But we shall see.  I’m optimistic that it’ll be out before the end of this year, but I want it to be perfect. After the last publishing attempt, I owe myself that much at least.

I did however visit Melksham Comic Con this weekend, and It was good to catch up with some friends in the business, especially Sonia Leong, Ross Munro and Jon Lock.  I got some lovely art from Sonia and Ross, and also attended Sonia’s Manga Workshop which just proved to me that there was a reason I write instead of draw! In the afternoon I attended a small panel with Jon Lock and he spoke about his new comic project.  It was so refreshing to see that someone else was so enthusiastic about their work while experiencing the same headaches I am.  He’s also a very inspiring talker and reminded me why I’m doing this – because I want people to see my work.  Sod the fame and fortune, I just want people to enjoy my vivid imagination.

Hopefully next year I can attend a few cons myself too, but that’l be time/money permitting!

Looking forward to the future, I’ve got James Knight book two to finish as well as a Valeria Flintlocke Novella! So my hands are pretty much full.  I’ve also (barely) stared two new WIPs, one is a Fantasy, the other a Sci-fi.  They are years off yet, but one day, you never know.

Until then…..


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Posted by on August 28, 2016 in author, Writing


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