I’m terrible at updating this blog. But that’s because I’m usually busy doing something else to keep my mind from wandering. But mainly it’s because I don’t really have much to talk about, well stuff I feel like talking about.
I bottle things up and I shouldn’t because it causes me so much pain, but I supress it and suppress it. Unfortunately, though it’s bubbled over and has reached its limit to the point that I can no longer cope with it, and this will be the most difficult thing I’ve ever written.
I was officially diagnosed last Monday after talking to the doctor. On top of that, I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety too. I’ve been prescribed Sertraline to help with this along with plenty of therapy sessions so that I can talk about things. The side affects aren’t too bad, but my appetite isn’t the same. I’m just don’t feel like eating. And those who know me, know that isn’t like me at all.
The hardest part of getting the diagnosis of depression is admitting that something is wrong and talking to someone about it, so they can help. I don’t like talking about things because I don’t like to be a burden on my friends, but then I’m a hypocrite because I always encourage my friends to talk to me when they feel like something is bothering them. I was told by a close friend that my biggest problem is that I’m too selfless and never think about myself. Maybe I don’t, maybe I try too hard to fit in and try to hard to impress people. I don’t know, either way something is seriously wrong with me and it needs fixing.
I knew something wasn’t right when I didn’t get an interview for a job I applied for. It really bugged me but bugged me in a way that I’d never really experienced. I felt that I wasn’t good enough and that I must have said or done something wrong within my application or written something wrong in my CV that set alarm bells off. But the alarm bells started ringing for me then, but it was already too late.
The second thing that basically sealed the deal for me was that I ruined something truly beautiful and destroyed the friendship in the process. Since I started streaming games on Twitch, I’ve met some truly remarkable and awesome people, one of which gave me hope in ways I couldn’t handle. After a lot of talking and sharing of interests, we both agreed that something there was starting to grow between us, we became friends very quickly and things grew further. I know now I shouldn’t have been anywhere near it because I am just not ready to explore that kind of emotion, not in this current state of mind. But I dove in head first and clung to the shining light of hope and happiness that she made me feel. The problem is I clung to it so hard that I feared letting it go and that’s just not how it’s meant to work.
As time passed I became paranoid and anxious about the whole situation, I was trying to cement things and push it to limits that the relationship wasn’t ready for. My insecurities got the better of me and my fear of letting go took over and I did things that I’m not proud of to fit in and to get her to think I was a good person. Ultimately, it all came crashing down because I couldn’t handle it, it all became overwhelming and I tried to be someone I wasn’t, I ended up just becoming creepy and weird and not standing for anything I believed in. I failed myself and her. And because of that, I’ve ruined a beautiful friendship and it’s all my fault.
I don’t want sympathy. I want support. I can’t let that happen again. I don’t want to continuously destroy things that I touch because I can’t handle my own feelings or my own self. I’m broken, battered and bruised. I need to learn to love myself and stand on my own two feet.
Hopefully I’m now going to get the help I desperately need. It’s going to be a long journey, but I hope I come out of the other side a better and complete person.